Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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