Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
