All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
