Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
