DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
