the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
