You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
