i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the condom got lost in my hair
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
