Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
