you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
