i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
