I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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