Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.