Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived