well I can't set my house on fire every night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
