If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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