if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
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I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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