me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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