I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
