I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
