you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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