a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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