shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
