Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
