I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
