How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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