I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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