I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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