I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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