when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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