Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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