Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
