It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
