His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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