Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
where are my eyebrows?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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