Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
