i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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