My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
