i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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