he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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