Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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