Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
