Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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