They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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