I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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