My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i've created a new STD.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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