Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
