Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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