There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
