You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
