I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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