Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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