Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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